BinLeenk: His Humor Writings (Et Al.)

The Night of the Living Storm (As Told by Tredeu LaBlanc, Who Uses Highly-Specific Similes)

The storm. It was alive that night, my friends. Yes. It blew in from the East, dark and foreboding. It was alive with passion, like that of a stallion trying to free itself from quicksand while his loving owner slowly looses his grip on the reigns.

Some people will refuse to believe a storm can be alive like you or I. Well they are wrong! This storm was livid, just like a Hollywood starlet before her second major relapse into snake venom addiction gets publicized in several leading tabloid magazines.

This is true! The storm I saw that night crackled thunder across miles of rain-soaked terrain! Lightning struck lumbering cedars, some of which exploded into flames. The fires burnt passionately, like that of a blind Indian soothsayer frantically warning an American businessman from entering into an agreement with a criminally-inclined loan officer at the bank, where the businessman is taking out a second mortgage!

Which reminds me. When the storm finally passed, its thick, smoky clouds dissolved into what appeared to be a smirk and a wink. “I’ll be back,” it seemed to say. There was an eerie sense of panic in the air, like when a game show contestant realizes they gave the wrong answer of “Baltic Sea” when “Mediterranean Sea” was the correct answer, which would have earned them not only praise from the game show host and audience but also a coveted all-inclusive cruise ship vacation for six-days and seven-nights to the Galapagos islands with a guest of their choice.

Somehow I survived to tell the tale, which I do whenever I get the chance. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to replenish that man’s coffee over there by the jukebox. When I get return, I’ll take your food order and regale you with another one of my stories titled the “evening of the ferocious carrot.”

By the way, the tips included in a party of four or more. Be right back…

9 January 2012 ·

What Will It Take To Get You In This Wolf Sweatshirt Tonight?

Hey buddy. Check this out.

No. Wait! Don’t run away down that dark alley you can’t escape from. Hear me out.

Listen. I’m just going to cut the mustard. I have a wolf sweatshirt. It’s pretty awesome, and I think you’d look beautiful in it. There’s three wolves on it: one in profile shot, another staring his wolf eyes right at you and the last one is in silhouette mode howling at the moon. Please take a seat on that wet piece of cardboard and hear me out.

OK. You’re probably thinking this is some kind of sick fetish shit, but I’m not going to masturbate to just anyone in a wolf sweatshirt. Hold on. That didn’t come out right! What I mean is I’m looking for the right person to pass on this amazing wolf sweatshirt to. I’m scanning the crowded streets to determine the correct person, and that person is you!

I’ve worn this wolf sweatshirt for many moons, and now it’s time for another person to howl for it. Get it? You get it, right? Howl? As in wolves howl at the moon?

Anyway, I pulled you next to this trash bin for a reason. You have the shape and mannerisms that define a typical wolf-sweatshirt-wearer. I, myself, am a wolf-sweatshirt-wearer, and it makes me a particularly good judge of others, especially when it concerns whether or not they can wear a wolf sweatshirt or not. Now it’s time for me to pass on my coveted wolf sweatshirt to the next in line, which is you.

Hey! Are you dialing the cops? Will you stop that? I’m not meaning you any harm, guy. I may have picked up some rabies from a wolf, but it doesn’t make me a dangerous person. At least in this county. All I want is for you to put on this wolf sweatshirt, wear it proudly and occasionally join me in my den for wolf-related meetings. It’s in my mom’s basement. She’s a widow.

I can tell you’re a little confused, maybe even scared. That’s fine. I, too, felt the same when I was taken to my mentor’s den for my initiation. She said I should take off my shirt slowly and crawl into a small crate. I stayed there for a few months - actually, time lost all meaning while in those cages…

ANYWAYS! The authorities eventually discovered me and several others. I would have died if it weren’t for this wolf sweatshirt, which was given to me as a reward for digesting one of my fellow captives…

DON’T JUDGE ME! You do NOT know what I’ve been through!

Sorry. Outbursts happen. Wolves have them all the time. No. You don’t have to search for blunt objects to hit me with. It’s true. All you need to do is wear this wolf sweatshirt, and you will believe me. You will become me. You will be me.

I agree. That was a strange thing to say, so tell you what: take this wolf sweatshirt free of charge. You can wear it or not wear it. The choice is yours. Oh. You won’t wear it? Well, what if I staple it to your chest? You’d bleed for just a little bit. No? Well, that’s OK, too. How about you stuff it in your back pocket? That way, you’ll get used to the wolf sweatshirt. After a while, the alluring hunt will consume you like a wolf eating a meal.

Before you know it, you will act wolf-like, just like me. You will like it a lot. Liking is a thing you will do. Like. That’s a word you’ll use often. Liken is a word, too, but it will be used less often. That’s OK! There’s no pressure to use “like” all willy nilly. The important factor is to behave as if (“as if” is a synonym for “like”) you’re a wolf. “Hungry like a wolf” is a song by Duran Duran. Sorry. No, really. I apologize for that last one.

Hold up. Where’d you go?

Damnit. Lost another heir to the wolf sweatshirt throne. Oh well. I guess I’ll just gnaw on some trash…like a wolf.

2 January 2012 ·

Answers to Questions: MIT OpenCourseWare

Recently the Massachusetts Institute of Technology launched an online learning initiative called “MITx,” which allows users to take real MIT classes for free. I tried out few courses to see how I’d do. I think I did fine…

Petersen’s theorem (Lecture 3) says that every cubic bridgeless graph contains a perfect matching. Show that for any even set T of vertices, a bridgeless cubic graph (V,E) contains a T-join of cardinality at most |V|/2 where a T-join is a subgraph with odd degree at vertices in T and even at vertices not in T. (From Topics in Combinatorial Optimization)

An entrepreneur wants to know whether a particular area of interest has Molybdenum and Antimony. So what are the radioisotopes that can be used for the thermal neutron activation analysis. Provide all the relevant information of the X (n,γ)Y reaction, identify the parent and daughter nuclei, the activation cross section, the half-life of the daughter product, and the predominant gamma-ray energy for identification. (From Trace Element Analysis of Geological, Biological & Environmental Materials by Neutron Activation Analysis: An Exposure)

First, who is this entrepreneur? Why do they want to know if there is Molybdenum and Antimony in that “particular area of interest.” What makes it peculiar? What makes it interesting? Not many people are interested in that kind of stuff, so obviously I’d need some answers before I even consider using radioisotopes for thermal neutron activation analysis. Also, is this entrepreneur offering any incentives (i.e. money, gifts, snacks) in exchange for my services? There’s no way I’ll identify the half-life of the daughter product if I’m doing this for nothing. Sorry, Charlie. No free rides. 

In general terms, what are “antisense” techniques? (From Developmental Biology)

You know when you walk into a scary room, and you get the feeling there’s a ghost hiding somewhere? Well, guess what? That ghost is using “antisense” techniques to help avoid detection. Ghosts are out to scare us, and it’s easier for them to scare people when we don’t know where the they are. However, ghosts aren’t the only scary things using “antisense” techniques. Snakes use them, too, because they want to fill our ankles full of venom. 

How do the Marxist and critical theory perspectives frame the main drivers of urban land development and housing conditions? Is the neo-Marxist view now outdated? (From Housing and Land Use in Rapidly Urbanizing Regions)

It is my opinion that Marx was a bonehead, and critical theory leads us down a dead-end street to Boring Town, U.S.A. If either perspective frames anything at all, it’s my bed, which is a good thing, because I’ll need a sturdy sleeping surface for the long nap I plan to take after reading Marx. And trust me: I expect to hit the snooze button a couple times.

Seriously though. If we’re talking the main drivers of urban land development and housing conditions, then look no further than Walmart Supercenter. WalMart Supercenters save urban land by consolidating everything people want in life into one easy-to-navigate store, especially if you ride a mobility scooter.

Do you think Marx ever rode a mobility scooter? No. That’s why neo-Marxist views are seriously outdated.

Many later observers have seen their own times reflected in the work of Thucydides and have perceived close parallels between the Peloponnesian War and conflicts they observed first hand. Others argue that the Peloponnesian war was different in important ways from most wars, and should not be used to infer lessons about managing foreign policy or war today. Who is right? (From Causes and Prevention of War)

Neither. I think it’s silly to manage foreign policy based on old wars, especially when we have perfectly good, current wars to manage our foreign policies with. If you look to the past for answers, you’ll probably end up repeating many of the same mistakes. For example, you wouldn’t want to look for date tips from Rurik’s viking raids in Russia circa 862 A.D., would you? If you did, you’d probably go to jail.

Describe your dream scenario for a cognitive robot that you would like to invent. It could be anything that strikes your fancy. Describe what the system is and scenarios in which it would act intelligently. Next describe the basic, top-level functions that the system performs. Finally, describe the different reasoning capabilities that the robot will require in order to provide these functions. (From Cognitive Robotics)

My dream scenario goes like this: I’m hanging at the mall listening to my favorite music when all of a sudden a 10-foot-tall robotic veliciraptor skateboards down the escalator. Its name is JoJo57x. It sports a purple leather jacket, and it doesn’t care for authority or rules. It’s programmed to be cool as shit, and that’s all.

The top-level functions include stealing six-packs of beer from liquor stores, going to the wildest parties in town and doing what it likes, when it likes. If some parent or authority figure tries to tell JoJo57x what to do, it says “does not compute” and then shreds an awesome solo on its electric tail-guitar.

JoJo57x’s reasoning capabilities are based on a “cool scale.” If something or someone is cool, then you can guarantee JoJo57x is doing a huge line of coke off it.

20 December 2011 ·

The Lime Water

I was alone in a cafe. A waitress approached. She handed me a glass of lemon water. It tasted more like lime water.

But I’m way ahead of myself, let me rewind a bit.

A few hours ago, my good buddy Charlie told me to meet him at a cafe. I arrived early, so I found an empty seat outside on the patio. It didn’t take long before a waitress approached and asked if I wanted some lemon water. I said yes, and she poured me a glass. Then I tasted it. It tasted like lime water to me.

Hold on a second. I don’t think I went back far enough. Let’s try this again.

This morning Charlie, my friend, told me he needed to see me about something important. I had known Charlie most my life, and we often got together at the same restaurant on Third Street to discuss private matters. However, this time Charlie told me to meet him at this new cafe he discovered over Main. I agreed, and that’s where I was when I got the lemon water that tasted like lime water.

That really wasn’t any further, was it? OK: round three.

Last night I fell asleep, woke up and received a phone call from Charlie. My friend told me we needed to chat, so we decided to meet at this place that serves lemon water that actually tastes more like lime water.

Hmm. It appears backwards isn’t the direction to go with this story. Let’s try forwards to see if we can get past this little lemon water/lime water episode.

Charlie arrived at the cafe shortly after I had. He seemed stressed. I knew he had taken a major gamble with a business deal. Judging by his face, it didn’t look like it had gone well. I told him a story to break the tension. I pointed at the waitress and explained how she asked me if I wanted lemon water but gave me lime water instead.

My apologies. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this lime water thing. There is truly a fascinating story to be told, but I know lime water when I taste it. I can be fooled with some things, but there is a very distinct difference between what a lemon tastes like and that of a lime. Maybe the waitress picked up the wrong pitcher of water? Well if that’s true, then her haphazard approach to her job won’t earn her many tips. For all I know it could have been a practical joke, and I was the target. That’s not fair to me. I don’t want to be an innocent bystander in her nefarious plot. I’m a customer of the cafe and deserve the respect to receive exactly what I was offered. I agreed to the lemon water deal. I think everyone can agree to that. I actually enjoy lemon water quite a lot. With just a sprinkling of sugar, it makes for a very refreshing drink. This doesn’t mean I dislike lime water. I find it equally as good, just in different ways. The fact of the matter is I was given something I did not expect to receive, which would cause any reasonable person to become disturbed. It may just be lemons and limes to you, but, to me, a sacred trust bond was shattered that morning.

Great. Now I’m so irate I forgot what I was talking about.

16 December 2011 ·

Kid’n Around: Music For Children Only

Kid’n Around is a heart melting band created by Josh and Nathan Dweezler. Together, the Dweezler Brothers produce catchy CDs and tapes that will make your child laugh, sometimes think and often inspire them to have fun with the Dweezlers each and every day!

Free Candy at Our House! (CD $15; Cassette $10)

White Van Comes a Callin’ (CD $15; Cassette $10)

Here’s what the Press has to say about Kid’n Around:

“Their songs really speak to children, but it’s not appropriate for young ears. NOT RECOMMENDED.” - Stanley Brown, ABC

“Just to be on the safe side, everyone should know who Josh and Nathan Dweezler are.” - Chicago Tribune on Free Candy at Our House!

“…[C]ould be used as evidence in a future court case…” - Muskogee Family Newsmagazine

“Nothing can stop Josh and Nathan from having fun with your children. Nothing.” - Publisher’s Weekly (starred review) on White Van Comes a Callin’

“I checked the sex offender’s list, but these guys weren’t on it. They should be, though.” - Jessica King, Preschool Teacher

“Please keep this music away from your children. If not, you’ll be sorry.” - Judge Debb Murphy

Interested in a CD or cassette? Want to see Kid’n Around play live? Email Kid’n Around at: Kid.n.Around@gmail.com.

Please, no parents or police.

12 December 2011 ·