February 2012
2 posts
Living With Glaucoma: What to Expect From Your...
After consuming your marijuana or other THC-laced product, find a comfortable seat in your residence. It may take some time before you notice the effects, so find an activity to pass the time. Maybe you could watch a movie? Better scroll through Netflix to see what’s streaming. Remember, THC releases a flood of serotonin into the brain, which will cause feelings of joy, happiness and/or euphoria....
January 2012
4 posts
“I remember when forever meant forever, but apparently my “best friend...”
– Person in transition between friends.
The Night of the Living Storm (As Told by Tredeu...
The storm. It was alive that night, my friends. Yes. It blew in from the East, dark and foreboding. It was alive with passion, like that of a stallion trying to free itself from quicksand while his loving owner slowly looses his grip on the reigns.
Some people will refuse to believe a storm can be alive like you or I. Well they are wrong! This storm was livid, just like a Hollywood starlet...
What Will It Take To Get You In This Wolf...
Hey buddy. Check this out.
No. Wait! Don’t run away down that dark alley you can’t escape from. Hear me out.
Listen. I’m just going to cut the mustard. I have a wolf sweatshirt. It’s pretty awesome, and I think you’d look beautiful in it. There’s three wolves on it: one in profile shot, another staring his wolf eyes right at you and the last one is in...
December 2011
8 posts
“I woke up this morning and went straight for the fridge for something to drink....”
– Amanda Kate Jones, Yelp! review for The Chocolate Source (Downtown Topeka, KS)
Answers to Questions: MIT OpenCourseWare
Recently the Massachusetts Institute of Technology launched an online learning initiative called “MITx,” which allows users to take real MIT classes for free. I tried out few courses to see how I’d do. I think I did fine…
Petersen’s theorem (Lecture 3) says that every cubic bridgeless graph contains a perfect matching. Show that for any even set T of vertices, a...
The Lime Water
I was alone in a cafe. A waitress approached. She handed me a glass of lemon water. It tasted more like lime water.
But I’m way ahead of myself, let me rewind a bit.
A few hours ago, my good buddy Charlie told me to meet him at a cafe. I arrived early, so I found an empty seat outside on the patio. It didn’t take long before a waitress approached and asked if I wanted some lemon water. I said...
Kid'n Around: Music For Children Only
Kid’n Around is a heart melting band created by Josh and Nathan Dweezler. Together, the Dweezler Brothers produce catchy CDs and tapes that will make your child laugh, sometimes think and often inspire them to have fun with the Dweezlers each and every day!
Free Candy at Our House! (CD $15; Cassette $10)
White Van Comes a Callin’ (CD $15; Cassette $10)
Here’s what the Press has...
October 2011
2 posts
September 2011
8 posts
“Hey, it’s me again. Just calling to see whether you guys were serious...”
– Bill Cosby, message to studio executives (August, 2011)
Today's National Weather Forecast Brought to You...
Different Day, Same Great PepsiCo Products
Midwest
Showers and thunderstorms for most areas east of the Mississippi River continue through Tuesday, so why not stay inside, grab a Pepsi® and bag of Doritos® Last Call Jalapeño Popper™ tortilla chips and listen to the Black Eyed Peas on your iPod?
Cooler than average temperatures expected for much of the Great Lakes states, but is it cooler...
10 Daily Reminders for a Scientist
Advance science.
Buy new mice if old mice have died/mutated.
Put on protective goggles and stare at dangerous fluids.
Quote Carl Sagan out loud.
Talk with robot assistant.
Bleach stains out of lab coat.
Reverse engineer another scientist’s invention.
Yell Eureka!
Leave an unsolvable equation on the blackboard for the janitor to solve.
Watch Bill Nye the Science Guy
Mable's Studio Pitch for a Baby Tycoons TV Show
Dear TV Studio Executive(s),
My name is Mable, and I would like to see someone make a TV show called Baby Tycoons.
Everyone loves babies and everyone loves watching rich people do stuff, so why not add them together and get a funny TV show out of it?
If you’re not sold already, here’s my pitch: Baby Tycoons takes place in Manhattan. Each baby is a billionaire (at least), and...
Peaceful Singing From Indistinguishable Black...
20 Rigorous Interview Questions Asked By America's...
When preparing for a job interview, it helps to be aware of the problem solving or reasoning skills applicable to the job you’re seeking. Employers like to test their applicants with strange questions, riddles and mind games, because they need to see how potential employees work out unexpected and stressful situations live and in-person.
By mulling over these interview questions asked by...
Greg's New Kitchen Appliances Talk Too Much, And...
“Your toast will be done at exactly 9:38am,” the toaster said.
“Toasters do just about everything these days,” Greg sighed. “But what they don’t do is actually toast my bread.” The toaster heard what Greg said and didn’t like it, so it popped his toast out early making it too soft to spread butter on.
“How am I supposed to butter on soft...
August 2011
2 posts
Here We Dough Again!
Allen Ward, right, encourages Roger Hernandez, left, as he makes another pizza at Reggiano’s on Melvin Francis Boulevard SW. Roger can make three pizzas in less than a minute. This coach and competitor team will travel to Nashville next week to compete for the title of “World’s Fastest Pizza Maker.”
HERE WE DOUGH AGAIN!
Local Reggiano’s employee competes for title...
July 2011
9 posts
The Role Hammerhead Sharks Play in Modern Society
The hammerhead shark is one of the most notorious sharks ever. Many amateur hammerhead shark enthusiasts ask, “What role do hammerhead sharks play in modern society?” I believe the following photograph answers that question:
The hammerhead shark gets its name from the unusual structure of its head, which looks like a hammer. A hammer is a tool meant to deliver an impact to an ...
How Does a Pet Get Into Pet Heaven?
There is a place below people Heaven. It’s called Pet Heaven*. Dogs, cats, bunnies, turtles, parakeets, gold fish, hamsters, boa constrictors and many other subservient animals may enter Pet Heaven when they die.
(Pictured: Dead Pets Leaving for Pet Heaven)
There are no collars, cages or tanks in Pet Heaven. Angels feed and clean up after your pets every day! There are sticks that throw ...
Abito Baby Thermometer + Microwave
Do you have a sick baby? Place him or her into the Abito Baby Thermometer + Microwave and press “Read Temperature.” After two minutes, you will know the temperature of your baby.
But what if you’re hungry? Place your food into the Abito Baby Thermometer + Microwave and press “Quick Start.” After two minutes, your meal will be ready to eat.
REMEMBER: The Abito Baby...
Mad Libs: Serious Edition
I had been trying for months to get a table at ___(Name of Family Pet)___, the new restaurant downtown. Tonight, I only needed a table for one, because my wife, Margarette, had ___(Verb)___ me. She was a ___(Object in Room)___.
Luckily, my secretary called. She was able to get me a seat near ___(Strange Place)___. “It’s the least I could do for you,” she said. “If it...
With Lots of Colors You Can Paint, Too!
Colors are like nature’s neon signs. They’re bright and beautiful, and turn on and off depending on the time of day. If you blink, you will miss them, and if you wait long enough, you will see them. They’re colors! They’re everywhere you are, and probably in places you have never looked, like under a tire fire or two miles to the west of an orangutan playing the cello.
...
CEO on CEO: Ideas About Excellence
(Two powerful CEOs walk out on stage. The audience applauds. The men shake hands and sit facing each other)
Theodore P. Friedman: Good evening, Jonathon.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Hello Teddy. It has been a long time.
Theodore P. Friedman: Indeed. Are you ready to get started?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Yes. Let's proceed.
Theodore P. Friedman: Now you have been Chief Executive Officer at Sisco Bionics for seven years. Before that, you were Co-Head of corporate strategy at Total Dominion Holdings and Trust and served a succession of executive positions at several lucrative co-
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Please, Teddy. You are embarrassing me.
(The audience laughs)
Theodore P. Friedman: Apologies, Jonathon, but some of our audience members may not be acquainted with your powerful stature.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Understood, but you are are no slouch yourself! Your role at Glaxesco has turned the company into a major player in the global economy. In fact, you coined the term "gloconomy" in 1973.
Theodore P. Friedman: 1972.
Jonathon H Flanagan: Sorry. 1972. This was right after publishing your groundbreaking report "The Socio-Economic Repercussions of High Yield Bonds, the Export of Maldivian Harmony Bracelets and the Impact of Sweden's Liberal People's Party on the Australian Dollar." It was a real page turner.
Theodore P. Friedman: Thank you, Jonathon. However, we should stop naming our personal successes or we'll be here all night!
(The CEOs share a laugh. The audience laughs, too)
Theodore P. Friedman: No. Actually, we are here to talk about excellence, specifically our ideas about excellence. So my question to you, Jonathon, is how does one achieve excellence?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: You know, in the fall of 1994 I met Argorcorp CEO Arthur Templeton at a conference in Zurich, and he gave me some advice that changed my life.
Theodore P. Friedman: Which was?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: He said to me, "You gotta be willing to make the tough situations, Jonathon."
Theodore P. Friedman: Give me an example.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: OK. This happened to me in the summer of '07. I got word one of my R&D labs in suburban Atlanta created a cyborg with advanced AI for a secret military project. Now, this cyborg malfunctioned during a weapons test and became self aware. It murdered half a dozen top military brass and seventeen of my own scientists before breaking free of our compound and assimilating into the general public. We don't have a clue where it is.
Theodore P. Friedman: Sounds like a public relations nightmare.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: You bet it was.
Theodore P. Friedman: So how did you handle the situation?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: I bought off the local media and planted a false story - said the explosions were part of a security drill - and we also paid off the families to keep them from talking. Later, our accountants wrote the whole damn thing off as a business expense.
Theodore P. Friedman: There you have it, folks. Excellence.
(The audience applauds)
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Thank you. Now Teddy, discuss your leadership style.
Theodore P. Friedman: I like to put out the image of the everyday Joe, a guy you can have a beer with and watch the game. But don't let that fool you. I have a cold, empty heart. Just last month, I shut down our Toledo, OH plant - the one where we produced the Oxycontin knockoffs - because it'd be cheaper to move operations to Nicaragua.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: We have a facility down there, too.
Theodore P. Friedman: Beautiful country, Nicaragua. Hard workers, too.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: I imagine those in Toledo weren't thrilled with the decision?
Theodore P. Friedman: Listen, Toledo is suffering from a major drug addiction epidemic. Of course some will say we produced the drugs they were addicted to, but I think that's missing the point. We wanted to stay in the city, but our employees were costing us thousands from addiction-related theft, accidents and general inefficiency.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: How did you break it to them? Your employees?
Theodore P. Friedman: I pulled the fire alarm and had the building evacuated. While everyone was waiting in the parking lot, I had all the factory doors locked and escaped by helicopter. It took them a few days before they found out they were fired.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: That's pretty cutthroat.
Theodore P. Friedman: Speaking of cutthroat. If you want to run a multi-billion dollar company, you gotta be willing to cut a persons throat and watch them bleed to death.
(The CEOs laugh)
Jonathon H. Flanagan: When was your last one?
Theodore P. Friedman: Thursday.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: I slit one on Wednesday.
(The audience claps politely)
Theodore P. Friedman: Nice. So Jonathon, tell me: How do you balance vigilance with your need for growth?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: The best CEOs I know show no fear, and I am no different. Sisco Bionics is expected - BY LAW - to earn profit, so there's not much room for vigilance when I have to be in the black by the end of the fiscal year.
Theodore P. Friedman: I don't think many people in our audience appreciate the pressure we handle on a daily basis.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: At this level of business, cancer is the norm.
Theodore P. Friedman: That's right. If your body isn't riddled with cancers then you aren't working hard enough. Luckily Glaxesco has the cure for cancer, so I just take a shot once of month to prevent death.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: I really appreciate you giving me a years supply each Christmas, Teddy.
Theodore P. Friedman: Anyone who makes a billion dollars a year receives the cure.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Just another incentive to join the billionaire's club.
(The CEOs laugh and clink whiskey glasses)
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Seriously, though. It's a great club.
Theodore P. Friedman: You get your own escape pod just in case the Earth faces a catastrophic event.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: OK, I want to reel things back in. We're getting off topic. Let's go back to 2008. The economy was unraveling and the stock market was plunging. Where were you?
Theodore P. Friedman: I was hunting Mediterranean monk seal on my private island off the coast of Greece.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Isn't the Mediterranean monk seal endangered?
Theodore P. Friedman: I only hunt endangered animals. Anyways, I get word about the 2008 crash from my my lawyer Benjamin Bornstein. He was in hysterics. He lost everything and told me he had tied up his family and was planning one of those murder suicides.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Did he go through with it?
Theodore P. Friedman: I don't know. My VP of operations was on the other line, so I clicked over.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Excellence.
(The audience claps)
Theodore P. Friedman: The way I see it: If you're going to survive at this level of the game, you cannot let your personal life interfere with your business.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: I couldn't agree with you more.
(Jonathon looks at his Rolex)
Jonathon H. Flanagan: OK. We don't have much time, but I have one quick question before we go. What was the best business decision you ever made?
Theodore P. Friedman: As a young businessman, I demolished an inner city community center to make room for luxurious high-rise condominiums. I made millions on the deal, and it opened the doors for me to get to where I am today. What about you?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: My son was kidnapped in 1998, but I refused to pay his ransom because I needed the capital to push through a merger with our biggest competitor.
Theodore P. Friedman: Tough choice.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: Not really. With the merger deal, I had to please the Sisco Bionics executive board, stockholders, employees...you get the picture. With the ransom, I had to please my wife and son. Any true businessman would have gone with the merger. Easy.
Theodore P. Friedman: Were you able to get your son back?
Jonathon H. Flanagan: No, but I eventually remarried and had twins.
(The audience applauds)
Theodore P. Friedman: Well that's going to end today's talk, and I'd like to thank Jonathon H. Flanagan for sharing his ideas about excellence with us today.
Jonathon H. Flanagan: You're welcome. And thank you, Teddy. It's been a pleasure.
Theodore P. Friedman: The pleasure's all mine. Goodnight everyone.
(The audience claps while the two men have a muted chat)
Rufus's Doorman
“Doors are taken for granted, god damn it!” explained the doorman.
“Great. Another professional going on and on about their profession,” thought Rufus. “Why can’t I ever run into an astronaut? At least an astronaut would share a ton of cool outer space stuff.”
“…And furthermore,” the doorman continued, “most people open doors and...
June 2011
1 post
Cat Fancy Subscription Canceled: Need Fixed...
Dear Susan Logan, editor of Cat Fancy Magazine,
I have been a subscriber to Cat Fancy since spring 1987 when Hen “The Cat Lady” Tirr was editor. Since then, I have been delighted to read the #1 cat-related magazine for both its educational and entertainment values. I often read them out loud with my cats Scribbles and Nathan (Nantucket passed away this year). There’s nothing better in ...
May 2011
7 posts
10 Fun Sandra Bullock Facts!
Growing up, Sandra Bullock often thought about working in a soul food restaurant.
Sandra gets into People Magazine a lot and suspects they put her in whenever celebrity news hits a lull.
Just like in the movie Speed, Sandra was stuck on a bus that couldn’t go below 50 mph or it would explode. She got off safely in time to make her audition for Two If By Sea.
Sandra is ranked as the 14th...
Trouble in Paradise
I have been living in my own paradise for a while now. Within walking distance of my self-sustainable home is a beach, independent movie theater and micro brewpub run by Anthony Bourdain. My backyard is essentially one of the most glorious mountains you have ever seen (which I get to ski in winter and hike/mountain bike in summer). Each morning, I wake up to a double rainbow over my vegetable and...
Politics
There’s a lot going on in the national political landscape. Some politicians are campaigning, while others are busy up in Congress or the House of Representatives writing laws and passing legislation. There are even some who are doing both at the same time. These people most live, breath and eat politics. Honestly, some of them must wear “Politics = Life” T-shirts under their suits....
1 tag
Boring Offices: The NEW Glass Ceiling
Who needs the glass ceiling when you can place a determined businesswoman into her very own office!
Now, I know what you’re going to say. “We’re a bunch of wealthy men, and we fought tooth and nail to get where we are today. Why should we allow women into our domain and share the wealth with them?”
Don’t worry. If you give them a boring office, you don’t have...
Capture Their Attention with an Interesting Title
This is the Sub-Title. Sum up your article here with a fun quote, clever pun or brief description of what you intend to write about.
Welcome to your writing tutorial. Are you ready to get started? Yes? Then let’s jump on in!
This is the body. In other words, this is the place where you want to do most your writing. We know. The blank space looks scary. It’s so white and empty. But...
Girls Night Out: Applebees
1 tag
A Charming Charm Sale
Our Lady of the Lake Inc. proudly presents our May Charm sale*!
Ward off evil spirits and bad luck in style with deals ranging from 30-70% off the retail price! Our charms make an esoteric addition to any bracelet, necklace, key chain or even a goblet. You can rest assured our charms** will continue to look great, even when the memory of your fabled past has begun to fade.
Save a magical 40%...
April 2011
13 posts
“When I wake up I know the day’s going to be badass because I’ve read...”
– A Douchebag
Messages From M. Night Shyamalan to His Wife and...
Please don’t mess with the DVR settings. I’m recording Signs on TNT to see if they cut out anything that ruins the twist at the end.
If anyone is looking for me, I left to go run some errands. Or did I?
This is M. Night’s chili. Do not touch unless you want to get dragged into the forest by a bunch of grass monkeys. Oops. Sorry for ruining the ending for you.
Kids, don’t...
Another Year Passes, And So Does Another...
Dear Mildred,
Times have been difficult since I left you in the pouring rain last April. As you know, my journey has led me to the Sivalik Hills, South of the Himalayas. My boots have taken me far from our simple country town, and they are in great need of repair. Last week, I had to trade the scarf you knitted me for a sack of rice. I may be on hard times, but when I close my eyes, I can still...
Scientific Laser Talk
Dr. Thompson: Dr. Jacob. I say. I believe your laser isn't powering up correctly.
Dr. Jacob PhD: I'm sorry?
Dr. Thompson: It doesn't appear like the laser you're so fond of is operating at full functionality, dear lad. 'Tis all.
Dr. Jacob PhD: My laser is just fine, thank you! Perhaps you should remain transfixed upon your own laser, for it is an inferior model.
Dr. Thompson: Come on, Jacob. I didn't mean to offend. You must have known I was in jest.
Dr. Jacob PhD: I refuse to concur! You have always been jealous of my lasers. My lasers have always bested yours in this laboratory. You cannot handle this reality, can you?
Dr. Thompson: Jacob, you know this is false! We are two equally successful laser scientists within this academy and are both colleagues in our nation's finest laser laboratory. You are my bestest chum!
Dr. Jacob PhD: If that is a true statement, then why did I not receive an invitation to your Laser Gala?
Dr. Thompson: Laser Gala?
Dr. Jacob PhD: Yes, the Laser Gala. The biggest laser party of the year!
Dr. Thompson: Oh that Laser Gala.
Dr. Jacob PhD: Yes. I knew I would be able to invigorate your mind. Did my invitation become lost in our mail system or were you preparing a very special invitation just for my person?
Dr. Thompson: Jacob, this scenario has nothing to do with your laser. Please refrain from bringing outside quarrels into our laboratory!
Dr. Jacob PhD: Fine. But only if you redact your original statement about the strength of my laser.
Dr. Thompson: My original intentions were not to spur verbal arguments. I just needed to call attention to your laser, which is, in my scientific opinion, not operating at its full strength!
Dr. Jacob PhD: Oh, you jester! You fowl jester! I knew you jested me!
Dr. Thompson: Why would I go to the trouble to argue with you? For personal gain? Short term dominance over my superior? A funny tale to regale my friends at a later point?
Dr. Jacob PhD: You want my position as head chairman of the Laser Board!
Dr. Thompson: This makes me guffaw!
Dr. Jacob PhD: Do not guffaw at me! I know you want your opinions included on the Laser Board!
Dr. Thompson: Your allegations are completely unwarranted. You are acting in a delusional state, Jacob.
Dr. Jacob PhD: Don't call me delusional. You're intentions to roust me from the Laser Board makes YOU the delusional one!
Dr. Thompson: Calm yourself, Jacob. You are losing control of your emotions and bodily movements.
Dr. Jacob PhD: Quiet. Quiet! For someone who cannot properly convert ferntoseconds into attoseconds, you have certainly perfected your hypothesis that not inviting me to Laser Galas and taking over my spot on the Laser Board will lower my serotonin count to a degree necessary to cause an acute depressive state.
Dr. Thompson: I believe you are completely misinformed about my intentions AND my character!
Dr. Jacob PhD: You character is that of a Mustela kathiah: A Yellow-Bellied Weasel!
Dr. Thomspon: You scoundrel!
Dr. Jacob PhD: Perhaps you would prefer to take this outside the confines of the laboratory, so we can settle this like gentlemen?
Dr. Thompson: I Harrumph!
Dr. Jacob PhD: Don't "harrumph" at me!
Dr. Thompson: I can "harrumph" any scientist I want to! I have "harrumph" privelages in this laboratory!
Dr. Jacob PhD: As do I, so a "harrumph" to you!
Dr. Thompson: You savage!
Dr. Jacob PhD: We shall see who the savage is soon enough! Meet me in the Garden of Scientific Quarrels during the sun's zenith.
Dr. Thompson: Harrumph and guffaw, Jacob. Harrumph. And. Guffaw.
Dr. Jacob PhD: We shall see about that, Thompson.
Party Tables