December 2010
18 posts
Cyber Sex with My Girlfriend
Girlfriend: Hey
Me: turn on your web cam so i can watch you finger yourself
Girlfriend: not now... maybe later
Me: Douche
Girlfriend: Goodbye
Dec 29th
1 tag
Guided Meditation
You are at peace. Your body is getting lighter. Your breathes become deep, deeper than you’ve ever breathed before… Allow your problems to just melt away. Remember: you are here for you. Right now, you are the center of the world. No one else matters. Apparently not even me…your girlfriend. So just close your eyes and focus on a new state of mind you’d rather be in. ...
Dec 29th
10 Ways To Tell an Elephant Apart From Your...
1) Elephants never forget, but they’re easily trickable. Play a trick on the person you suspect to be an elephant and try and do it again two days later. If s/he doesn’t fall for the trick the second time, then you’re probably dealing with an elephant. 2) Elephants are large animals, so if you see something that eats a lot and can’t fit into most spaces (like cars or small...
Dec 28th
1 tag
Operation Order a Pizza
Donald had never been a part of a military operation before. Nor had he ever been a part of an organized effort to accomplish a task. But that didn’t matter anymore, because Donald and his friends now faced a daunting mission: ordering a pizza. In the beginning there was total disfunction. Jason tried to look up the nearest pizza place and couldn’t figure out Google Maps (he was used...
Dec 27th
Dec 26th
Dec 24th
1 tag
Re: Spoons-Only Restaurant Idea
Dear Randall, I took a look at your business plan, and everything looks pretty good. I’ve never eaten a meal entirely with spoons and I’m sure millions of others haven’t either. I’m very interested to see what the others think about your spoons-only restaurant idea. It looks to me like one of those things Americans never knew they wanted until someone makes it for them. ...
Dec 20th
Dec 16th
Dec 15th
Seven Simple Truths for Conspiracy Theorists
1) You are part of a secret government experiment, and scientists are studying your daily behavior hoping you won’t detonate the explosives hidden inside you. 2) Everything is bugged. That phone. That computer. The dishwasher, the carpet and the refrigerator: they’re all bugged! Everything in your house except the pickle jars and shoe boxes are bugged with microphones, cameras and...
Dec 15th
Patrick's Digital Diary Entry #277: "The Magical...
Please note to those linking to Patrick’s Digital Diary expecting a pornographic story or anything of that sort. The “Magical Fisting Hands” is a fighting move I have been working on. It does not involve pushing (or is it sliding?) a magical fisting hand up another person’s butt. If you are hoping to read about a magical fisting hand being slid (or is it punched?) up...
Dec 14th
Anonymous asked: How do you do it? So brilliant.
Dec 14th
Dec 13th
1 tag
FriendsFirst.com Customer Survey
FriendsFirst.com - the dating website where you’re taking it easy and seeing where it goes - wants to know a little bit about your online experience. Please take some time to complete this FriendsFirst.com customer survey, so we can help make your experience on the website more enjoyable! 1) How do you feel about the number of Friends who have contacted you? At first I was a little...
Dec 10th
1 tag
"Your Flight American Air® Frequent Flyer Points...
Hello [name of customer],  A review of your Flight American Air® Frequent Flyer account indicates that your last point activity was in [the last date of point usage]. Therefore, we’d like to remind you that you have [number of points left] due to expire on [date of cancellation]*. So, to avoid losing them, make sure you earn or redeem points before [date of cancellation or nearest holiday]. ...
Dec 9th
Responses to Answers to Questions: "Whereupon Do I...
“Perhaps on that man’s shoulder. He’s wearing a thick jacket and may not notice your gloved hands.” Response: No. “You could keep your gloved hands in your pockets, so no one without gloves would see them and be offended by your gloved hands. It’d almost be like doing a service for others.” Response: Yes.  “They’d go nicely in that other...
Dec 8th
1 tag
My Friend Jason's Medieval Music Playlist
“Look Yonder, O’ Noble King” - The Mystics “The Jester Prances Tonight (remix)” - Ladies of Magdalene “The Wizard’s Journey” - The Knightz “Iced Lake of Antioch (at Dawn)” - The Feudalism Experience “Where Do the Knights Sleep?” - Princess Princess Princess “Our Knights Died” - Our Almighty LORD “The...
Dec 3rd
Dec 2nd