BinLeenk: His Humor Writings

Trouble in Paradise

I have been living in my own paradise for a while now. Within walking distance of my self-sustainable home is a beach, independent movie theater and micro brewpub run by Anthony Bourdain. My backyard is essentially one of the most glorious mountains you have ever seen (which I get to ski in winter and hike/mountain bike in summer). Each morning, I wake up to a double rainbow over my vegetable and herb gardens while the freshwater creek by the homemade water park supplies me power and delicious drinking water. A bunch of robots do all my housework, so I have free time to do whatever I want. Plus, no one uses money in paradise. Instead, we use Awesome Bucks, which is actually just the giving and receiving of high fives.

That being said, there’s trouble in paradise.

First of all, my flying car broke down the other day. You wouldn’t think a thing like that would bother me since I have other modes of transportation including a nuclear-powered submarine that can burrow through ground, too, an accurate teleportation device, a series of tubes and a flying dog/dragon hybrid just like Falcor from the Neverending Story (he’s also my good friend). But the last time I checked, things aren’t supposed to break down in paradise. How am I going to find a mechanic who is capable of fixing a flying car? I mentioned this to the dog/dragon hybrid, and he had this to say: ”Good luck in this economy.”

He’s right, you know. Even if I find a good flying car mechanic, I don’t think he’s going to take Awesome Bucks.

If this was the only bit of trouble in paradise, I wouldn’t be too concerned. However, my beautiful princess/sexy ninja girlfriend is getting bored with the three-mile long obstacle course/laser maze I designed for her. If she’s bored with fighting mystical beasts and solving enigmatic puzzles, what else is she bored with? What if she gets bored of with our multi-day, multiple-mind-blowing-orgasm sexcapades? My god…she may dump me! 

OK. Time to calm down. I’m over thinking things. I live in paradise after all. Paradise is not immune to the occasional difficulty. Although, I was once offered the chance to protect my paradise from difficulties by a wise Native American shaman. “You will enter a realm unlike your own,” he had said. “But when you return to this reality, you can bring back any power or knowledge you wish to make your life better.” At the time, I chose to be given the meaning of life - which I do not regret receiving - but maybe, just maybe, I should have asked for a spell to protect this paradise from any and all difficulties.

Damn hindsight. You’re always in 20/20, aren’t you?

Anthony Bourdain and my monkey butler said they’d come over later to console me and also to race go karts. Maybe that’ll help keep my mind off the trouble in paradise. Since it’s paradise, the troubles should just fix themselves right? I really hope they do, because having trouble in my paradise is like having a fly in my soup. I can still enjoy the soup by taking out the fly, but, come on; I didn’t order fly soup.

Mmmm, speaking of soup, I should probably tell Bourdain to bring me some Unicorn soup (it doesn’t contain unicorns, but a unicorn does stir the soup with its horn to perfection). That would be real nice tonight…

27 May 2011 ·