BinLeenk: His Humor Writings

With Lots of Colors You Can Paint, Too!

Colors are like nature’s neon signs. They’re bright and beautiful, and turn on and off depending on the time of day. If you blink, you will miss them, and if you wait long enough, you will see them. They’re colors! They’re everywhere you are, and probably in places you have never looked, like under a tire fire or two miles to the west of an orangutan playing the cello.

Many artists know that using colors can be very beneficial to their art. That’s why they use so many of them! First they start out with reds, greens and blues. Before you know it, they’re experimenting with colors like fire engine red, lime green and electric blue. It’s that easy!

All the best artists use lots of colors to make their paintings. The more colors you use, the better your painting will be. One time long ago, an artist used every color visible to the human eye. Anyone who looked at this artist’s painting would stab their eyes after seeing it. Knowing that fact, it is still a very famous painting to this day, and many eye surgeons encourage prospective patients to see it for themselves.

Of course, many people are afraid of painting. They feel overwhelmed because they do not know how to use colors. This is stupid. The colors are already made! Factories mass produce all kinds of colors, and paint stores stock the best ones. All you need to do is arrange them on a canvas or other painting surface so other people will like it. If a child or an elephant can do it, you can too! (You don’t want to be upstaged by an elephant do you?)

Need inspiration for your first painting? First, draw a beautiful, crowing rooster. Then, add colors! Make sure each feather is a different color, or else it won’t look realistic. By the time you finish, you’ll have a beautiful painting to show off to friends, family and art critics.

Remember, art critics are more important than your friends and family, so give them alcohol before they look at your painting. Art critics need free alcohol to help them appreciate all the different colors in your painting(s). If they’re not drunk enough, or you didn’t use enough colors, they may pan your work out loud to prospective buyers. Don’t worry. Their criticism will not hurt your chances of selling your painting(s). You can always sell your work to your friends and family! (Just be sure to guilt trip them first)

As you progress as a painter, you will use lots of different colors in lots of different ways. You may even paint something so good it will end up in a doctor’s office or hotel bedroom.

Painting success can be measured by 1) the number of colors used and 2) the number of rooms your paintings occupy divided by 3) the number of buyers who frequently wear turtle necks. This formula will give you a number, which you will share with other painters at parties (sometimes painting parties) to see who has the highest number. Thomas Kinkade has 7,972.83. This is number you should strive for.

Not to worry, though! Your desire to become a painter is half the battle! The other half is using as many colors as you can to make a beautiful painting. Soon you will be churning out art in no time! Good luck, future artist!

17 July 2011 ·